Shon asked me a question Tuesday. First of all, he’s really good at coming up with questions. Second, the questions he comes up with are questions that make you think… a lot.
It’s good to have friends like that.
Here’s the question: How does multiple BDSM work for you [Jaenelle]?
I currently have three lovers. There’s my fiancé, Marnen. We live together and we’re switches. So at times it’s me on top (like the other night *grin*) and sometimes he is. We’ve been together since December 2002.
My other two lovers Oni and Elf, both of whom are married and poly (and I do know their wives quite well- they’re both really close friends of mine). [Note I have Marnen’s permission to use his name, but I don’t have permission from my other lovers, so you get made up names. And I had to come up with something semi-appropriate.]
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They both live some distance from me. Oni lives about 1.5 hours away in the area I grew up and my family still lives and Elf lives about an hour away in the other direction. I end up seeing Oni about one or two weekends a month (it’s so often because I stay at his house when I’m up in that area and I’m there more often because I am the health care proxy for one of my aunts). Elf, if we’re lucky, about once a month.
Oni, with some input from his wife, is the person who introduced my body to BDSM. My mind had already encountered it but it took my friendship with him for me to be comfortable enough to ask him to help me move ideas into reality.
He used to threaten to bite me. And one day, it took me twenty minutes to ask him to follow up on that threat.
It felt so good.
I’ve known Oni since before I graduated college, so it was before 1999. Our relationship didn’t really add any physical/sexual tones to it until 2002 (by which point he was married).
Oni is definitely a Dom for me. Granted, each time we get together it’s not whips and chains. Sometimes we don’t even get to have quickie vanilla sex much less anything else. Hell, a couple of weeks ago I stayed at his house for 4 nights and didn’t get the chance to do more than hug and cuddle a little.
Oni is also responsible for me getting onto Blogger. He sent me a link to Shon’s Spanking Friends http://erotiterrorist.blogspot.com/2006/05/fiction-spanking-friends.html story on alt.sex.stories.moderated. I followed the story to Blogger.
Elf, well at this point I wouldn’t say that he’s a capital-D-dom for me (as Wordslut put it). At least at this time. We definitely have kinky sex, and I think he’s growing into Dom patterns, but at this point it’s just kinky sex.
I’ve known Elf since 1993. We even dated (for the lack of a better term) then lived together for a couple of years before I changed colleges (and the living together thing was after the dating relationship ended). He moved away and got married, and after moving back into the area things started up again between us with the full blessing of his wife. I think this was back in 2002/2003
Pretty much, it works on a scene by scene basis. When I’m with Marnen, and we’re in a scene where he’s topping me, he’s my Dom and that’s it. If I’m with Oni and we’re in a scene, likewise. When I’m having kinky sex with Elf, I’m having kinky sex with Elf.
I’ve been tag team Dom-ed a couple of times, but that’s been Oni and his wife (who’s a sub to Oni but won’t submit to women, at all, no way). I actually have a tough time imagining any two of my lovers working together to dominate me- mainly because , they can get into pissing contests with each other over other things, so I'm not sure they'd get into a situation where they were both topping me at once.
Shon said that the pissing matches seem to be common in poly bdsm, because he thought that it’s hard for guys to just focus on the woman in front of them.
I’m not sure it’s that for my situation- let’s just say that I tend to be attracted to arrogant, know-it-all, pain-in-the-ass men who dislike the same characteristics in other people- which is something that I’ve told both of them to their faces.
Shon then asked me if my Doms go through a “reclaiming ritual” or a “You're Mine Now phase” when they have me if I’ve been with another in the meantime. I’m not sure. I know that Oni is very sure of himself and our feelings for each other, and he has what could be seen as the prior claim since he was the one who introduced me to BDSM. Marnen also is sure of himself/us because I live with him and we’re planning to get married. For Marnen, theirs is something of a “You're Mine Now phase,” but I think that comes from the fact of not only there being Oni in my life, but the fact he and I switch with each other so it’s more that he’s establishing himself as the top at that point.
One thing to bear in mind, I couldn't be a 24/7 sub, which I think helps a scene by scene approach work. I don’t want to be one anyway. My personality isn’t really suited for it and neither are my tastes and impulses as a switch. My life isn’t really set up for it either.
6 comments:
Very interesting. I think scene by scene domination could definitely work that way, or even one capital-D dom and others who are only scene by scene.
I tend to be attracted to arrogant, know-it-all, pain-in-the-ass men.
In other words, doms? :)
In other words, doms? :)
lol.... But remember, one of mine is a switch. In fact, at one point Oni thought that he was a sub... but learned that it wasn't true.
This is interesting . . . your relationships seem more complex and textured than just submitting to some guy who likes to wear leather and use whips and chains . . .
I could get into something like that, and maybe I have. I just don't tend to think of my relationships in dom/sub terms.
Cherrie- if it wasn't complex, it wouldn't happen. It's much more... fufilling with complexity and texture.
Besides, I can't submit to just anywone. It's someone I have to click with.
I only think my relationships in this was as it pertains to the bedroom/within a scene. Marnen and I are full partners in the rest of our lives. Oni and Elf, to the extent they can with all of our lives, are partners and they do no control aspects of my life.
Like any relationship, if they have concerns/requests I will take them into consideration.
I'd agree. I think my relationship with Jaenelle is only D/s on a totally situational basis. That's probably related to the fact that we both switch, and to the fact that we really don't take D/s outside the bedroom or dungeon to any appreciable degree.
It's also interesting that I believe I'm the only person that Jaenelle has ever dominated (is that correct?), since she thought she was exclusively a sub before she played with me. She introduced my body to BDSM (again, not my mind), and I haven't played that way with others yet, but I think it's fair to say that I would be far more willing to dominate someone else than I would be to submit to them. Submission requires a lot of trust, and I don't give that easily.
It sounds like you two have reached a very special level of trust and connection to share for a long time. That's wonderful.
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