Finding the Other End of the Leash

I've heard some people who scoff at the idea of a switch. I've heard from some people that switches are nothing but really bratty and/or confused subs who just need the right Dom to put them in their place. Then again, the ones who say this also tend to be the ones who think that if you're a sub you have to submit to all Doms all the time.

Which gets a big fat "Hell No" not only from switches but most subs and not a small number of real Doms. [Reminds me of a shirt that says "Yes, But Not With You!"]

While Dominance and submission are opposites, there's a lot of mixing in-between.

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I see the range of D/s as a bell curve- just like with other aspects of sexuality. There are some people who are so Dominant/submissive/heterosexual/homosexual/etc that even the thought of playing on the other side (or same side if heterosexuality is the factor) is a severe turn off.

On the other hand, playing with the other side (or the same side if homosexuality is the factor) is another thing entirely and to be encouraged. [*grin*]

But most people tend to fall somewhere in between- granted, they're more on one side then the other- and sometimes it's not so much expressed as a Dom having a "sub moment" but having a "not feeling like they actively want to Dominate" mood. Or a sub who's just not able to go under that day and uses what tools s/he has to express that to their Dom.

Then there are the decided switches. The ones who love to be both under and wielding the lash, and have been able to recognize it and follow that path.

Being a switch works differently for each one of us. I know switches who only submit to a select sub-set of lovers and who dominate all of the rest (like one friend who will submit to men, but has to dominate other women). I know of other switches who submit to many, but in a few rare cases can't help but take the leash and lead.

And there are some who are so flexible that they can go from one mode to another like a see-saw.

For me, it's a thing of moods. Sometimes, I'm in the mood to submit, go under, give over, and that's that. At other times, I want the other person under my control. The person I'm with at the time does have an influence, but it's not the only factor.

Then there are the wired times that I'm in both, as if I'm at a crossroads. Sometimes it happens when I'm in one mood and moving to the other, and sometimes it happens when I'm talking with someone online and the scenario we have going involves me submitting to the person that I'm talking with while dominating a 3rd person that only exists in our collective imaginations.

It's in these moments that the emotional edge is the most confusing, because I'm actively working with both dynamics and having to balance how I'm submitting and dominating.

At this time in my life, I seem to fall more into that second category of switch, the one who submits to many and controls only a few, but that's partially because the relationships I got into before realizing I am a switch, and the relationships are still there. Of my 3 regular lovers; one is very much a Dom (and so is his wife), one expresses Dom tendencies when that edge comes out to play, and my fiance is a switch.

I didn't even know I was a switch until I met my fiance, and he and I started exploring each other and BDSM.

I didn't know because I thought I was a sub, and I had no interest in the other end of the leash. In retrospect, that was more a part of the dynamic I had (and still have) with the lover who made me comfortable enough to ask and then introduced my body to BDSM (and all hail books for my earlier education to make me think and wonder what would that be like, and give me the courage to ask him first to bite me, then to ask for the other things as well).

Encounter a new lover, with a very different dynamic, and then I had the urge to hold the leash instead.

And the flogger, and the knife.

It was more than a shock to realize that I *wanted* to spank my now-fiance. It turned my mind on end to realize that not only could I do unto others what has been done to me, but that I wanted to.

For a while, it made me worried that I'd never be able to go under, into sub space, again if I gave in and rode the Dom impulse in me. And that because I'd only subbed before that I'd be a bad Dom; for lack of practice and that the fact that I want to sub at times as well would somehow taint me as a Dom.

Well, those fears worked themselves out. I've been able to go under just as well as before and I've not had any complaints from my fiance that didn't get fixed as we both learn to communicate with each other more effectively

I do wonder what other subs would think of me as a Dom, because so far the only one who I've dominated has been my fiance.

I do have urges to dominate other people, often women. Nice and slightly naughty women with curves and a twinkle in their eye would gasp and wiggle and be ever so delightful to drive crazy with sensation and take them into that beautiful zone where they are mine.